I can’t even lie to you all. It was hard as hell scrolling through my Facebook, and seeing all the status updates about what people were cooking for dinner, whom they were cooking it for, and who they were spending it with.
I can’t even lie, I almost cried before going into work because I didn’t even know what I was going to do today, besides sit in the house and watch football all day.
I can’t even lie, I almost cried because the kind of Thanksgiving I want, someone else was having. Their status updates told me so.
I can’t even lie, I’m not that into Thanksgiving anymore for undisclosed reasons, but I also know what it will take to bring me back into it.
I can’t even lie, before I walked into work yesterday, I knew I was going to be spending today emotionally wrung out. Sometimes, you know today, how you’re going to feel tomorrow.
I can’t even lie, when one of my coworkers asked me yesterday, what I was doing today, I told her “nothing,” and almost burst into tears because of it.
I can’t even lie, when that same coworker told me about her plans of going to another coworker’s house for Thanksgiving, and that second coworker told me I should come too, I was weary at first… but I agreed to go anyways.
I can’t even lie, when that same coworker told me about her plans of going to another coworker’s house for Thanksgiving, and that second coworker told me I should come too, I was weary at first… but I agreed to go anyways.
I can’t even lie, after work, I called the second coworker and tried to cancel on her. I told her not to worry about it, I’ll just see her at work on Friday morning.
I can’t even lie, when she called me back and fussed at me for cancelling, and told me I better be there, I smiled a little bit.
I can’t even lie, I’ve been under a very heavy “emotional” cloud these past few weeks. It’s like a hard thunderstorm, that looks like it won’t stop raining anytime soon (remember how it rained in that movie “Hard Rain”?). Right now, I’m hurting, and I don’t know to make it stop, I’m running out of tears, and I’m running out of thoughts, questions, answers, and way to sit and sort it all out. My raingear that usually protects me from the hard rain, isn’t working so good lately, and I’m not sure what to do about that right now. But today, for the first time in weeks, I saw the sun through the rain. Somehow, my mind wasn’t occupied and cloudy, and overflowing like a river with everything it’s usually filled with. Today, I went somewhere, and spent a meaningful holiday with people who are like a second family to me anyways, and had a damn good day. While everyone is counting their blessings, and being thankful of spending today with their families, there are some of us who are doing those exact same things about spending today with their friends. Not all of us have our families to surround ourselves with during the double-feature holiday season, so that leaves us out in the cold. It leaves you open, vulnerable and kind of lost out there. Everyone’s sharing this special holiday with someone meaningful to them, and we aren’t.
I know what you’re probably saying, “well you do have a family you could spend it with.” True I do, but I chose not spend such a meaningful holiday, with people who take so much energy from me. Family or not, I love them, I’ll fight for them, and I have their backs but my family is somewhat draining. I chose to stop doing family gatherings with them last May for concrete reasons. So that choice does leave me out in the cold every year. It also leaves me out in the cold because I want for a different kind of Thanksgiving at this point in my life.
But today, I enjoyed, I needed, and I deeply appreciated it. Its friends like the wonderful people I work with, that refused to let me sit at home alone today and made me come over. Its friends like the ones I work with, that understand some of us, rather by choice or not, don’t always have people to spend the holiday with. So they welcome you into their home, and never think twice about having a few extra people over for the holiday. To them what matters is that you have somewhere or someone to spend it with. I love those kinds of people.
I woke up today feeling like it would be a passable day at my coworker’s house for Thanksgiving. But as we 5 co-workers, and her family sat around that table laughing, cracking jokes, talking, eating, and sharing with one another, we all realized one thing, family doesn’t always include the family you’re born in/related too, it sometimes includes those “outside people” you spend your XX to XX hours with also.
I can’t even lie, I almost spent today crying because I was feeling bad, now I might spend tonight crying because I feel so good.
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